Born This Way Commentary
by Consulting Demon
Summary: My commentary on "Born This Way" by JellyxTimexbby. My thoughts on possibly the worst Pirates of the Caribbean piece of literature I've ever read. WARNING: Reading this fanfiction may cause you to want to tear out your hair or your eyeballs and swear...
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: READING "BORN THIS WAY" BY JellyxTimexbby MAY CAUSE YOU TO VOMIT, HAVE EXPLOSIVE EYEBALLS AND/OR A SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH/ READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! KK, now that that's out of the way. There's a bunch of parodies in the Harry Potter section for "My Immortal," so I figured I might as well make a commentary for this.**

Me, Violette Buttercup Symphony-Sparrow was standing in the doorway of my house. I wtached as the cars stroled by as my mum started cooking dinner. **Okay, so how exactly can cars stroll by, exactly?** 'turqwoise! turqwoise!' she called from the bathrom windough, 'cuz she was on the tolet. She calls me turqwoise 'cuz my names violet and turqwoise is an fancy way of calling turqwoise turqwoise. **Yes, because when I'm on the loo I love to shout random colors out the window… And Turquoise is definitely an appropriate nickname for one named Violet. **

"Yo mummybitch, imam cum in, in just a sec, lemme just say that ma homies are the best homies in the world" I screamed at my mummybitch. Haha, 'haha that's kind off what that black dude said to taylor swift at some awards' I thought all internally to myself. Haha. **So, let's just summarize what's happened so far: Violette Butterc- I'm just gonna call you Violet- is standing in her doorway while her mom is cooking dinner… on the john. Phew, I thought I was the only one. And suddenly, Violet is talking about her… homies…**

Then like, jack sparrow was cummin'. Was cummin' to my house! Omg! The real jack sparrow from pirates of the carribean 4! But it wasn't a suprise, cuz jack sparrow is my daddy. **Why would you be surprised that your dad walked in, regardless of who he is? And Jack Sparrow is in three other movies, a "How It Should Have Ended" video on Youtube and an SNL short… and you choose On Stranger Tides as a reference?** 'Yo, daddybitch. I f*cking love you'. He smiled all intimatly at me because he loves me too. **I may not be a walking dictionary like some people *cough cough* HERMIONE GRANGER *cough cough*, but I'm pretty sure you didn't use the word intimately right… **Then squidward, from squidward squarepants came into my house, but I wasnt in my house yet and he shouted 'WHATS CRACKALACKING BITCHEZ?' in his sexie squiddy voice. **…and suddenly Squidward enters the picture? What is this, the Twilight Zone?**

AN: DID U GUYZ NO THAT SQUIDS HAVE BEAKS? THEY AKTUALLY DO, THEYRE BLACK! LIKE BLACK LIKE REBECCA BLACK. Oh and btw if any of u's r dissing her, ur just jelly. (jelly is jelous btw. Duhhh) **I'm jelly of your spelling. And I won't even start on how bad Rebecca Black's singing in… unless her name's brought up again.**

Yes so my dad hugged me. But then squidward puled a gun on me.** Thank you, Squidward. Maybe with a little luck, this terrible atrocity of a story will end here.** 'don't shoot me b*tch!' I screamed all horsely because I was scared. Then that is when I started backing up backing up backing up backing up, becuz my daddy taught me good. **Even Jack Sparrow himself wouldn't back away… actually he'd probably break out the chopsticks… (and somewhere in the world, Davy Jones is cringing) **Then I thought 'maybe I should faint', but I don't, cuz ma daddy taught me good. **Okay, at least she didn't faint… like someone else *cough cough* ELIZABETH SWANN *cough cough***

Thats when IT happened. You no? he shot me in the balls. **…..isn't she a girl?**

No daddy no! I screamed all sadly. Now my manhood had bean taken away. **…no comment.** Squidward rang the hospital to send an ambulence. **Yes, because when I shoot someone, I call the ambulance right away. ** I was bleeding everywere. 'HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?' I whispered. No reply came. 'mum, dad?' I asked the silent, empty darkness. 'it will be ok Violette' daddybitch conformed me. **So obviously the dark isn't silent and empty. **I screemed in pane as the doctor touched my body. He slid his hand over my stomach. Ow! I screemed again. Please dont touch me like that. He said ok then left. **Oh no! The next time the doctor runs his hand over my arm I'll be worried he'll rape me…. **

I was alone in my room. Mummybitch applied bandages to my croutch becuz it was bleeding cuz I got shot in the balls by squidward. **How can you be alone, and your mom's in the same room with you? (maybe it's metaphorical..?) Shut up.** Squidward was downstairs in the dungeon helping my mum cook dinner. **LE GASP! Her mom must have that Time Turner from Harry Potter 3…** 'please don't touch me' I said to the doctor. He said ok then left. **…déjà vu…** Then I was lone again in my room. My eyes are a sparkiling rose pink. **Can you say random?** I went downstairs to get dinner. I looked at sqwidwards face and that's when it struck. It struck 12 o'clock midnite. **Ooh, very dramatic… not.**

**I have to point out something hilarious: One of the reviews for "Born This Way" was written by the person who wrote "My Immortal," whose commentary of that made me write this. Whoever wrote MI said whoever wrote this was amazing… **

**I don't know when exactly I'll be updating this…**

**Review, fave and alert, please **


	2. Chapter 2

AN: QUIT YA FLAMING GUYS OR I WILL NOT BE HAPPY. SEE OK I WILL NOT WRIT AN AUTHORS NOTE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORY. HAPPY? OH AND BTW, LIKE, SHUTTUP ALL U FLAMERS AND IM NOT A TROL KAY? TROLLS LIVE UNDER BRIDGES…AND I DO NOT. **I'm glad you clarified, because I thought otherwise.**

so yeah then the clock striked 1**I thought it struck 12…** and then….my pet dove appeared! I named him tipsy cuz he is a little disabled and falls off his perch sometimes. **Wouldn't you name him Retard, then? Oh right, that's what your mother should have named you.** his eyes make him look like a cereal killer, which is creepy. **Oh my God, he looks like a cereal killer? So that's just about everyone…** 'Yo monkey-fighters, **Note: it said something else, but I'm not really allowed to swear in my writing… so I used the censored words from "Snakes on A Plane."** whats cracklakin'?' squarked Tispy because he was a little bit drunk at that time. **Shocking.** barbossa looked at him as if to say 'wtf?'. so tipsy fell off his perch again. haha. my dad, jack sparrow. SORRY CAPTAIN jack sparrow make bird singing noise, like what magpies make and then tispsy flew into a window 'cuz he got confused. **Well, I might as well fly out the window right now, because I'm just as confused.** its ok becus tipsy is still alive. **Oh thank God, I was getting worried.** he was ALL G. **…do I even want to know?** and then yeah, barbossa left to go see Elizabeth, because she was being sick from scurvy. **I feel like Hector isn't really qualified to treat Elizabeth's scurvy… and really, who cares if she gets sick and dies? ** then squidward ans spongeboob squarepants got all wet. **When did SpongeBOB enter this picture?**

BTW they got all wet because the sprinklers went on. **Oh, I'm glad I learned that…** then jack sparrow (my dad, omg he's the hottest dad in the world) **This is disturbing in SO many ways…** left because he had to go help barbossa cuz he got scurvy too, **Aw, poor Hector.** and so did my dove, tipsy the disabled, cereal killer bird. its ok though, because tipsy didn't die. **Phew. But what about Hector? (And what about Elizabeth?) No one cares about her…**

haha omg and then amazingly tipsy was revived. **Darn.** I held him tighly against my cheast and he breathed hevily. wow, I love tipsy. 'hahaha' I laughed sarcasticly. **…why would you laugh sarcastically if your bird almost died…?**

no way, then my brother William sparrow, came into my room as I was reapplying my bandages becuz I got shot, **You're still going on about getting shot? You're worse than Draco Malfoy in HP 3 when he gets attacked by Buckbeak… (he's gorgeous, though, you cannot deny) no one can deny that… *shakes head* MOVING ON!** and he said 'hi'. 'hi' I replied back and then told him to get out becus I didnt want him around. **Just because you didn't want him around? So, you telling him to get out had nothing to do with the fact that you were replacing bandages ON YOUR CROTCH?** so then he left. after I went downstairs and into the dungeon. **That makes sense… **then I went to school. I go to 'half pirate senior high school' becuz im half pirate becuz my dad is jack sparrow, but my mum is just some slut he piked up of the street. she isnt a pirate. **That is hilarious.**

so then I went to high pirate senior high school and I sat down for singing class. I have a beautiful stinging voice **No! Don't get close to me with your stinging voice!** and I sung 'born this way' by lady gaga cuz im gaga for gaga. haha. my teacher said it was god. **Which god, the god of stupidness?** my teacher is usualy barbibossa but he was sick with scurvy today. **Poor Hector (do you like him?) Davy's cooler….** then, omg, a relly hot guy from my skool came up to me and he said his name was 'beard. james beard' and he said it in all like hot way that james bond says his name like. I felt sexual. **…WHAT?** haha omg he was so hot he has sparkling blue eyes and engine black hair which was spiked up and then I fanted cuz he was so hot. then after I fainted I got up and said 'HI IM VIOLETTE BUTTERCUP SYMPHONY-SPARROW' relly fast becuz I was flustering and nervus cuz I was around a hot guy. then he touched my hand all smoothly and nice. **Can you say pedophile? (Yes "pedophile.") Shut up.** then I fainted again. OMG HOW EMBARRASSING.

**When I'm done writing this, I may have to bleach my eyes… again. Hey, anyone see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two? Best one ever… *sigh* Draco…**

**ANYWAY!**

**Check out my other stories… except for my Underworld one… that one's stupid and I'm going to delete it soon. So review, fave… alert.. whatever you do. :)**

**PS- I'm not going to update everyday, I'm just really bored right now...  
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	3. Chapter 3

AN: SORRY GUYS I DIDNT HAV TIME EDIT THIS 1! HOP U LIK IT ANYWAYSSSS! **Hold the phone. She edits this? O.o**

AN: .neva – just is ok. Just accept it. accepance is the key. Oh and stop haten! Im sick of us haterz k? **…acceptance of what? Racism? No thank you.**

Yeah, where was i? so spongeboob then got on his horse and rode away. And then I cam out of my faint cuz I just fanted cuz I was talking too the hottest, empasize on HOTTEST guy in my skool, Jamie beard. Haha but he didnt hav a beard witch **Wrong which, we aren't talking about Harry Potter** is weird becuz his name is Jamie beard. Haha. Then I said 'why don't u hav a beard? Ur name is james beard, so where is it?' and he repled with 'I just havnt hit pubity yet. **Who are you, Justin Bieber? **Haha. But I will soonish, and I will grow it to the floor haha not really cuz that's manky **Am I supposed to know what that word is?** omg im talking to the hottest girl in skool right now omg im getting flustred'. He blurted out cuz he was talking to me, the hottest piece of shiz at this skool.

Haha then he faintered. **I think I may faintered because your grammar and spelling skills are atrocious. **Then he got back up and we went on a dat. For our date we went to the shipreck in the middle of the ocean where ppl do their life sentence for davy jones **Why would you drag poor Davy into this?** and his locker which contains a hart. Sorry to spoil the story guys but the cheast contains a hart **I feel like that's not a spoiler because we found that out five years ago.** (haha yes, IT'S A PUN! Get it…cheast…hart) **No, I don't get it. ** hehe then he kissed me. His saliva when everywere cuz he was nevus. How embarasing for him. Then I dumped him cuz that was rely gross. **…I don't even have a comment for this. (But isn't that a comment right there?) Shut up, voice-in-my-head.** Ew haha, hav u guys ever don that? Guhrosss. Yeah so then he almost comited cuicide by jumping of the boat haha but he didnt dye cuz I saved him, horay for me! Omg WIN. **Which is more than I can say for your story.**

Then I was like 'ok ill giv u a 2nd chance' and it was rely romantic becuz im so nice and he was so nice apart from his rely bad kissing skills. Omg how embarasing for him. 'HOW MANY SQUIDS COULD A SQUIDDY SQUIS SQUID IF A SQUIDDY SQUID COULD SQUID SQUIDS?' spongebob asked. Omg what an idiot. **Oh, and you're Einstein?** Was was he doing on my ship? Well turns out spongbob is davy jones **Oh, okay, that makes sense.** in disguys. Haha omg wat a twist in the tail! **Who got their tail in a twist? They should get that fixed, I'm sure a knot in your tail is painful… imagine your arm tied into a knot :P**

'DON'T STAB MY HART!' spongebob **Shouldn't it say Davy?)** creamed at Jamie,the HOTTEST guy at my skool. Jamie had brown hair which waived in the wind as if to say 'HELLO IM HAIR NICE TO MEAT YOU!'. **I've never had hair wave at me..** Haha I laghed becuz his eyes are shiny emeraldy colour and that was hot to me, maybe not too you, but it was to me omg. Btw, Jamie is half irish. Watta hottay! Jamie held spongeboob's hart above his head and 'casey heynes''ed **Once again, am I supposed to know what that means?** to the floor. It did not burst. Then he jumped on it. It did not burt. Then he stabbed himself. It did not burst. Haha so james got stabbed. And spongebob rescued his hart from the terrible fait of beeng distroid by James. **WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL DAVY JONES? HE'S AMAZING!**

Then spongebob held it abov his hed, with a nife in one hand and his hart in the other. …..what will happen? **I think I missed something… why is Davy Jones/Spongebob trying to commit suicide…**

AN: Will spongbob comit cuicide? Find out in the next chapterrrr! **If he does, will you stop writing?** Thanks for ya suport guys! Xxx Laura Paige. (Paige is my middle name, im not gonna relese my last name after the deth frets ive recived) **Hmm, I wonder why you've received threats? It couldn't possibly be because of your story…**

**Only two chapters to go!**


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Yeah so ok sorry I havnt bean updayting I jus waz busy wid skool and that. btw the person caled 'Crack' – wat sort of a nam is that? crack is crap. Don't suport drugs! And stop dissing me ok? thankyou. **Woah... you're not on drugs? So, I suppose you'd act nornmal if you were? O.o**

yeh so wear was i? so spongebob had his hart in his hand and was about to comit cuicide, but he didnt cuz like seriusly, his not that dumb. Yeah so then it started rayning on the ship so we all jumped of and swam to land. **Yes, because swimming back to shore wouldn't get you as wet as standing on the ship in the rain...** It was kinda fun, but I got wet and I kinda hate getting wet. *sadface* **And what's wrong with just going BELOW DECK?**

yeah so wat happened next? **Is this something I'm going to care about?** My daddy came runing up to me screaming my name all innaproapriatly **Can someone tell me how your scream one's name innapproriately?** and I was like 'get off me' and it was funny. **So... is this incest or...** I laughed out loud and snorted a litle bit how embarasing! **I sometimes snort when I laugh... it's not embarrassing.** So then everybody left and I was alone, but my brother was still there. **So you weren't alone.**

'Oh Violette. Your so pretty' **My brothers would NEVER say that to me... unless I paid them...**

Thanks bruhh! I said all enthusiasticly cuz I love my bro. he is the shiz. I then raced to my dad.

'dady am I pretty?' I asked cuz I didnt beleive my brother. He then replied with

'Violette, no one would ever touch u, ur so ugly I wish I had a prettyer daughter, who could ever love you you ugly dog'. **Sorry, but quote time! "If you had a sister and a dog, I'd choose the dog!" -Jack Sparrow to Angelica. And why is Jack Sparrow so mean ( to his daughter, I don't care how he treats Angelica)?**

(ok so this part is relly emo cuz this is wat my dad says about me. *double sadface*) and I cried, but then I forgave my dad cuz he was just playing a crool joke on me. But I was still sad. *triple sadeface*. **I am confused...**

Then shrek, from the movie shrek came and said 'your bueatiful' and I was all happy again. *happyface*. Yayyyyy. **I'd actually be really creeped out if Shrek just randomly approached me. What happened to Spongebob, anyway?**

Then shrek left cuz he had to go protect his swamp. Haha the pixys were in it. Haha silly ugly shrek. **He compliments you, and you call him ugly. Other than Shrek, have you ever gotten a compliment before?** So then amasingley spongeboob came back from the ded cuz he comited cuicide **I don't remember him actually committing suicide, just that he threatened to.** (stupid sponglebob) and he headbutled my dad, jack swallow **What is this, Epic Movie?**, as if jack, my dad, were a goat. **Goats headbutt people, not the other way around. And I have goats, they don't do that.** But he isn't a goat FYI! (for your informashion if u's dont no wat that meens) **If anyone didn't know what that meant, it would be you.**

Yeah so then i was sad and sat in a corner. *quadriple sadface* **So your dad gets hurt, and you go sit in a corner? **

…then, like amasingley I became unconshious… **...**

AN: OMG ANOTHER CLIFT HANGER. HOW DID SHE BECUM ONCONSHIOUS AND IS SHE DED?

**Another amazing episode of Born This Way has left us with the following questions:**

**-Is Violette/Violet dead? We can only hope... and if that's not enough. I'm sure Davy will be glad to rid of her.**

**-Is Jack SPARROW okay? **

**-When will Jellyxtimexbby learn proper grammar and spelling?**

**-Why do we care about any of this?**

**One more chapter and we're done! YAYZ! I'd like to thank everyone for favoriting or story-alerting this, or me because of this story. Hate to say it, but this story's brought it more people than A Debt to Pay has... Although ADP is totally different, anyone who likes my Born This Way Commentary should check out ADP. Thanks :)**


	5. Chapter 5

yeah so guys im relly soz for not updateing, ive just bin soooooooooooopper bussy latly. **Hopefully going to school so she can learn how to spell I'm, really, sorry, updating, I've, been, super, busy, and lately.**

dis is not a story chapter, **:O** its just too let u's no that I got facebok! look up laura pee. **I can't figure out if it's the word pee or the letter.** I didn't put my reel name, laura paige, cuz on fb peeple can stalk u and I don't feel like beeing killed sowwy. 3 **But thanks for letting us know your real name... *pretends to use a knife and stabs an imaginary person, trying to copy the movie 'Psycho'***

I will writ a knew chapter soon ok guys? sorry agin, I rely need to updat more hey. **I actually don't think you do... but if you do, it will end up here, where just about every pirate fangirl/wench will make fun of you. **

I dun hav many friend so farrrrr. **Shocker.**

**Is- is it over? Sorry for saying this was a chapter, I didn't realize that it wasn't.**

**I'd like to thank Allison H, ****Allyse Mystic, Flo des bois, hannabeth sparrow, Jandra1969 and Princess Maya Leann**** for favoriting this, as well as Jandra1969, Pilotofmymind, Princess Maya Leann, and Why Fireflies Flash for alerting it. And Thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed. All you people have helped me keep this story going. And of course, thanks to Jellyxtimexbby for writing this atrocious piece of fanfiction so sane and sensible people can read commentaries like this and have a laugh. **

**I'd appreciate it so much if you would be kind enough to pop over to A Debt to Pay and read that. I'd love it if my main story (ADP) was the literature that brought in most of my fans, rather than me making fun of... write trash! I'm sorry for the pun, I couldn't resist :3**

**PS- If she does end up writing another chapter, I'll definitely update this, but for now, Born This Way Commentary is officially**_** complete**_**. :D**


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